The Cousins Crane
by Breakinglight11
Summary: A future fic taking the form of a pilot for a TV series focused on the next generation of the Frasier cast, starring Freddy, David, and Alice, as they struggle to get along living in Boston together.
1. The Good Cousin

FADE IN:

ACT ONE.

INT. ADJUNCT'S OFFICE - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE GOOD COUSIN

FREDDY CRANE, early 30's, fussily dressed, is sprawled on the couch in his university's adjunct office. His colleague, LEAH KEOH— 30's, Asian-American, intense —tries to work at her desk.

FREDDY  
I guess I just feel like… this isn't the life I'm supposed to be leading, you know?

LEAH  
I feel like you're going to tell me.

FREDDY  
I was gifted kid. I don't mean to brag, but a really gifted kid. Spelling prodigy, chess champ. Marbury Academy, Philips Exeter, all the way to Harvard.

LEAH  
Not that you're bragging or anything.

FREDDY  
Yeah, it's not at all it's cracked up to be. Try telling that to a bunch of knuckle-draggers waiting for you behind the bleachers. And from the time I was a kid, everybody told me that I was going to do great things. So imagine what I felt like when it turned out… I just didn't.

He gets up and begins to pace.

FREDDY

My parents always figured I'd become a doctor or a lawyer or an Internet millionaire, but nope. A concentration in philosophy— a concentration, you see, they don't have majors at Harvard —leading to a series of underpaid adjunct teaching jobs where I have the honor of grading their boring, probably purchased papers. What could be worse?

Leah looks at him, offended.

LEAH  
Oh, I don't know. You could also have to hear about it.

FREDDY  
All from little snots whose parents pushed them into the gifted and talented track the same way my mom and dad pushed me.

LEAH  
Oh, so they're the ones to blame. Well, it's not like you have to deal with them anymore, right?

FREDDY  
My mother is your typical emotionless intellectual ice monster—

LEAH  
Typical?

FREDDY  
And my dad is a neurotic snob with a superiority complex concealing his inferiority complex, so… no, they never stop calling me.

LEAH  
I can imagine how after a while it can get old hearing about it.

FREDDY  
When at worst they can't stop wondering where they went wrong, or at best radiate a subtle but unmistakable disappointment? Yeah, you think?

LEAH  
Well, Freddy… it can be tough when your expectations don't match up with your reality.

Freddy turns to stare at her.

FREDDY  
That's it? That's the best you've got for me? The same first-year psycho babble you tell your students? Professor. My father is a psychiatrist. My mother is a psychiatrist. Uncle, grandmother, all psychiatrists. Do you honestly think that's something that's never occurred to me?

His pacing intensifies.

FREDDY  
Now, if you'd said I had some kind of Millennial malaise, that would have been trite and dismissive, but at least had some evidentiary support. Or if you'd said I was crushed by the weight of my parents' hopes and dreams. My dad was a Freudian, even that might have had the ring of truth. But disappointed expectations? Really? After a childhood of behavior experiments and my every youthful quirk examined for all possible psychological phenomena? Really, Leah? Is that what they teach at west coast schools?

Leah slams her book closed and gets in his face.

LEAH  
All right, all right, Lucien Freud. You want my expertise? Well, here it is, and I'm not even going to charge you for it. Why don't you try, for at least a minute or two, focusing on something, anything at all, besides yourself?

Freddy considers.

FREDDY  
So you think my expectations are off, huh?


	2. The Bad Cousin

INT. ADJUNCT OFFICE – DAY

TITLE CARD: THE BAD COUSIN

Freddy works away grading a stack of essays at his desk. Enter Leah.

LEAH

You still here? Have you moved from that desk since last night?

FREDDY

Oh, time has no meaning here in the grading circle of hell. Either these intro to philosophy papers are bad, or I must have had a stroke at the beginning of the semester and taught the entire class in gibberish.

LEAH

Try teaching gender studies to a class full of freshmen psych students. Emphasis on the "men" part. You never heard so many "Well, actuallys" in all your life.

FREDDY

Well, just today, I've seen what I hope is an unintentional defense of eugenics, arguments so circular you could use them to mix paint, and a student who invokes nihilism so often I'm wondering if I should refer the kid to the counseling office.

LEAH

Oh, yeah? Try this.

She holds up a paper to read.

LEAH

"Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions as evidence." Something tells me this kid spends a lot of time trying to argue women into dating him.

FREDDY

That never works— or so I've heard! But here's my personal favorite— the phrase "the theory-ladleness of observation." Yes, this paper sure has theory by the ladle-full. So are you going to be here for a while? We can order takeout or something.

LEAH

No thanks, I'm trying to reserve a few reasons to leave the office every now and then. Otherwise, why not just put a mattress under the desk?

FREDDY

There is a shower a few doors down in the chem lab. Of course, the university would probably just start charging us rent.

There is a knock at the door. Leah goes to answer it. She opens it to DAVID CRANE, eighteen, delicate featured but athletic, dressed like a bro. His phone starts ringing, but he takes a quick look and silences it. Freddy stares in surprise.

LEAH

Can I help you?

DAVID

I was told this was Freddy Crane's office. Is he in?

LEAH

Office hours are from one to four on weekdays.

FREDDY

No, Leah, it's okay.

LEAH

Is he your student?

FREDDY

No. He's my cousin. On my dad's side. David.

DAVID

Hey, cuz.

LEAH

This guy's your cousin?

FREDDY

He's a lot younger.

DAVID

I think she got that from how you're dressed like my dad.

Leah laughs.

DAVID

You don't seem happy to see me.

FREDDY

Not at all! It's just you look so… different.

DAVID

Yeah, I'm not so into tricycles anymore.

Freddy laughs embarrassedly.

FREDDY

It has been a while. So… what's got you in Boston? I would have though you'd be at school right now.

DAVID

Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Is now a good time?

He glances at Leah.

FREDDY

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. Leah, do you think you could give us a minute?

She gathers up her papers.

LEAH

No problem, I'll just go down the hall.

She leans into Freddy and stage whispers as she goes.

LEAH

If he takes your lunch money, just give a holler.

She exits. Freddy shows David over to his desk.

FREDDY

Come on in and make yourself—

David drops into Freddy's desk chair and throws his leg over the arm.

FREDDY

—comfortable. You know, you're lucky we're family. Or else I couldn't let a Yale man through the door!

David stares. Freddy awkwardly pulls up a seat across the desk from him.

FREDDY

So… what brings you to Boston?

DAVID

Oh, you know, the usual. The symphony orchestra, the world-class theater district, the thriving local art scene.

FREDDY

Oh, really! Well, if you could use some recommendations, there's an excellent Meiji-era pottery exhibit at the MFA…

David stares again.

FREDDY

Ah. Yes.

Freddy waits uncomfortably until David sighs and relents.

DAVID

Yale University and I are taking a break from our relationship.

FREDDY

Oh, no. What happened?

DAVID

It was pledge week, what do you want? Pledges had to pull a prank, and most guys were planning on small potatoes stuff, dressing statues up in drag or whatever. So to get myself noticed, I greased up three pigs and set them loose in the administrative offices. They were still trying to find them two weeks later!

FREDDY

Two solid weeks? To find three pigs?

DAVID

I painted numbers on them. One, two, and four. Ha!

FREDDY

Mother of God.

DAVID

So now I'm suspended for the rest of the semester, to be revisited at the beginning of the next one.

FREDDY

Well, that's bad, but Uncle Niles is a pretty important alumnus. He should be able to smooth over a first offense.

DAVID

Which is exactly what he did. The first time. By offense number four, they just sent back his check. At least, we think they did. There were only ashes in the envelope.

Freddy winches as David starts tossing and catching a little sculpture from the desk.

FREDDY

Have you told your folks yet?

DAVID

You kidding? You know how Dad will react. He'll be out on the balcony in a rainstorm, screaming to the heavens, "I have no son, I have no son!"

Freddy nods, as that sounds about right.

DAVID

So, yeah. Pretty sure I'll be out of the will.

FREDDY

Soooo… what's your plan in the meantime?

DAVID

Well… I was thinking I could crash with you for a while.

Freddy's smile freezes.

FREDDY

Excuse me?

DAVID

You're the only person I know in New England! Unless you can get me in touch with Sam Malone.

FREDDY

Uh, I might have his number somewhere.

DAVID

Come on, Freddy! I'm in a bind here!

Freddy reaches for the sculpture in David's hand.

FREDDY

You could always go home to Seattle.

DAVID

What part of "disinherited" did I not make clear? If I go back, I'm in for a nonstop thrill ride of tears, psych analysis, and cursing in Italian.

FREDDY

I don't know, David, my place is kind of small—

DAVID

Put yourself in my shoes! After a screwup like this, would you want to go back home and crash with the people you most disappointed? What would that be like?

FREDDY

Oh, God… Mom trying to apply classical conditioning… Dad alternating between self-flagellation and diagnosing me with every disorder in the book… and the lecturing… good God, the endless, blustering, longwinded lecturing…

He spins to David, wild-eyed.

FREDDY

Okay, okay! God help us, you can stay!

DAVID

Awesome.

He tosses Freddy the sculpture. He fumbles to catch it and it smashes on the ground.

END OF ACT ONE


	3. The Apartment

ACT TWO.

INT. FREDDY'S APARTMENT – DAY

TITLE CARD: THE APARTMENT

Freddy looks at two huge duffle bags taking up the limited floor space in the living room of his tiny apartment. David enters from the other room. His phone goes off, but he silences it after a glance.

FREDDY

How's it coming?

DAVID

Okay, considering I'm basically moving into the broom closet.

FREDDY

Sorry. It's Cambridge.

DAVID

I thought you were supposed to be some fancy college professor.

FREDDY

Adjunct. That's French for glorified babysitter.

DAVID

Hm. Well, luckily I don't have a ton of stuff. Everything ought to fit. Except…

He goes back into the hall briefly, then returns dragging BRODY, a moth-eaten taxidermy black bear on its hind legs. Freddy looks on in dismay.

DAVID

He's going to have to live out here.

FREDDY

Did you really have to drag that thing all the way from New Haven?

DAVID

Hey, no way was I going to leave Brody behind. Do you know how many rounds of beer pong I had to power through to win him? Besides, he's good luck.

David rubs Brody the bear's nose.

FREDDY

Good luck, huh? He must have been sick the day you got suspended.

DAVID

Oh, yeah? What about the day I got to town? The barista at the corner Starbucks showed me all her tattoos.

FREDDY

All of them?

DAVID

You should try Brody sometime. Something tells me you haven't gotten lucky in a while.

FREDDY

Ha, ha.

David shrugs and goes back for a moment in his bag. While he's not looking, Freddy reaches out and rubs Brody's nose.

FREDDY

Well, I guess we can hang our coats on him! So, anyway, I've been thinking about your situation, and I think I've got some ideas.

DAVID

Do you, now?

FREDDY

The first step is writing a good solid letter of apology to the administration— accepting responsibility, apologizing, demonstrating what you've learned, that sort of thing. Convince them you're still their kind of man!

DAVID

Am I their kind of man?

FREDDY

Don't get down on yourself! Did you know Yale only accepts 6.27 percent of its applicants? Of course, given the quality of Yale men, makes you wonder just who it is they're rejecting. Uh— present company excepted!

DAVID

Whatever.

FREDDY

And you are the child of a fairly important alumnus— don't discount that! It may not the be the worst idea to get Uncle Niles involved. He can make an impassioned plea, or a phone call… or another donation. A generous, generous donation. They have to take you back if there's a building named after you!

DAVID

Crawling back to Dad. Yeah, I would definitely hear the end of that at some point in my life.

FREDDY

Good point. But it's the Ivy League, David, it can open doors for the future.

DAVID

Like it did for you?

FREDDY

Uh, well— I just mean, it marks you as the best of the best!

DAVID

Even after pulling something like this?

FREDDY

Oh, their students have done way worse! Remember those frat boys who ran around chanting "no means yes, yes means anal"?

DAVID

Wow. Thanks, Freddy, but I think I need to take a break from it for a bit, before I tell my folks and start killing myself to solve it. Can we just let it drop for a little while?

FREDDY

Oh— well, I suppose that's understandable. In that case… we're cousins, and we're going to be roommates for a while. Let's the two of us just— as they say —hang.

He drops down onto the couch and looks expectantly at David. David returns to unpacking.

FREDDY

Oh, come on, it's been years, we ought to get to know each other again. Let's have a conversation!

DAVID

About what? If you want to know what I think of the latest production at the Opera House, you're out of luck, I'm afraid I'm more of a ballet man.

FREDDY

Shows what you know, the Boston Ballet is at the Opera House! Don't worry, we can talk about whatever you want to talk about! Like… cars. Or… video games. Or whatever's going on with the various sports balls. I respect your interests!

DAVID

Oh, yeah. I got that from how you said "sports balls."

FREDDY

Cut me some slack! Last time I saw you, you were playing Pokemon in your Batman underwear.

DAVID

Well, I just took the gym on the corner, but now I prefer boxer briefs.

FREDDY

See, I'm getting to know you better already. Come on, if you're going to stay here, we shouldn't be complete strangers.

Beat. Freddy stands.

FREDDY

Listen, I'll go first. I know you're going through a difficult time right now— struggles with direction, at a crucial juncture in the journey from child to manhood. But I want you to know I'm here for you. I find your coming to me for help to be in no way a burden; on the contrary, I consider it a real honor. Therefore, I welcome you with non-judgmental support and hope I can play some small part in helping you find your way back to your path.

David stares at him until Freddy feels awkward.

FREDDY

Also… how about them Red Sox? Are they bums this year or what?

David sighs.

DAVID

Look, Freddy. I know having me here is a pain in your ass, and you're just doing it because you feel sorry for me. But I'm just grateful for the crash space. You don't have to be my pity friend.

FREDDY

It's not pity, David, I—

DAVID

Don't worry about it. I'll stay out of your hair, and you won't have to pretend to be my buddy.

David's phone rings again, but he silences it a second time.

FREDDY

Again? Who keeps calling you?

DAVID

Nobody. Look, I'm going out. I'll catch you later, cuz.

FREDDY

Okay, sure. Whatever you want.

David leaves the apartment. Freddy sits back down on the couch, way more disappointed than he expected to be. He looks over at the stuffed bear.

FREDDY

Don't look at me like that. You're a glorified coatrack.


	4. The Arrangement

INT. ADJUNCT OFFICE – DAY

TITLE CARD: THE ARRANGEMENT

Leah is working at her desk while Freddy paces, ranting.

FREDDY

…and there's music blasting through the whole place, but I can't figure out where it's coming from— until I go into my bedroom. And I walk in on him with his legs hooked over my headboard, doing sit-ups in his underwear in time to the beat of some screeching house mix, sweating like a pig into my sheets! And he just looks at me, upside down, all, "Sorry, bro, it's the only thing heavy enough to anchor me!"

LEAH

Oh, the humanity.

FREDDY

But isn't that outrageous?

LEAH

Dogs and cats, living together.

FREDDY

And you know what the worst part is? In the end, he's hardly ever there! He just blows in long enough to clog up my shower drain, leave clothes everywhere, and get cracker crumbs in the Nutella.

LEAH

Why's that a problem?

FREDDY

I'm sorry, you like finding somebody else's boxer briefs tossed over a taxidermy bear?

LEAH

Better than over my ceiling fan like usual. But I mean that he's never there. Wouldn't that make it easier?

FREDDY

He's treating the place like a cheap hotel.

LEAH

Yeah, when it's more like a charitable youth hostel. I'm sure it sucks that he's messing the place up, but at least you don't have to deal with him in your space all the time.

FREDDY

Well… it's like he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all!

LEAH

Do you want to spend time with him?

FREDDY

Well— no. Of course not. But you show up on your cousin's doorstep, begging to crash, you could at least pretend you're not completely using him for his spare room.

LEAH

So what are you going to do? Tell him it's not working out?

FREDDY

I can't do that! That'd be cruel!

LEAH

Why not? Hasn't stopped you telling me.

FREDDY

He's my cousin! He's in a bad place right now, I can't just throw him out.

LEAH

So don't throw him out, just tell him there need to be some ground rules.

Freddy collapses into a chair.

FREDDY

Ugh, in our family, we don't just talk. We talk it to death, with references to case studies, until everything's so over-analyzed we all just wish we drank it out like regular people.

LEAH

But you just said he's in a bad place and needs help. Doesn't that mean you need to be the one to reach out?

FREDDY

Damn it, you're right. He came to me for a reason. If I'm going to be any good to him, I've got to make the effort.

He springs back up.

FREDDY

That's it. I'm going to track him down, and… we're going to hang, or… chill, or roll. Or whatever kids his age do to convey camaraderie and support.

LEAH

Yes. That conveys it.

He throws open his laptop and begins typing.

FREDDY

Now all I need to do now is check out the latest research on teen camaraderie and support. I hear there's a fascinating paper that just came out of Stanford on communication through Internet memes!


	5. The Honorary Cousin

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE HONORARY COUSIN

David sits impatiently on a bench, throwing glances over his shoulder. He is shocked when Freddy suddenly enters.

FREDDY

Hey, cuz! How's it going?

DAVID

Freddy? How did you find me?

FREDDY

It was harder than I thought it would be, that's for sure! Good thing you have location services turned on on your phone!

As David stares at his phone like it betrayed him, Freddy sits on the bench beside him.

FREDDY

How did anybody ever find people to hang out with before that? Anyway, I was thinking I could show you a bit of the town. I mean, you're going to be here for the summer, and you don't even know where the public libraries are!

DAVID

Wow, I don't know if I'm up for that much fun right now. Maybe another day, okay?

FREDDY

Okay, it doesn't have to that. We could… go on a pub— creep, or to the Green… Beast, and catch a baseball match!

He sees David look over his shoulder again and pushes to recapture his attention.

FREDDY

Or we could just… Netflix and chill!

David turns around to stare at him in horror.

FREDDY

That's what it's called, right?

DAVID

No. That is not what the thing you're referring to is called. I hope.

Enter ALICE DOYLE, striding across campus with a bag. David stands and steps into her path.

DAVID

Alice!

ALICE

David? What are you— you're here?

FREDDY

Oh, my God— Alice? Little Alice Doyle, from Seattle? It's been years!

ALICE

Hi, Freddy. Good to see you.

FREDDY

You too! You're in Boston?

ALICE

Just started grad school here. But I thought David was at Yale.

DAVID

Yeah, well, Yale might not be working out. I thought maybe I'd try it here for a while.

ALICE

So… what? You just had to come here and tell me that? Why?

DAVID

Well— we're in the same city now.

ALICE

And you think that means we can be together?

FREDDY

Wait, what? I'm sorry, be together?

ALICE

Distance wasn't the problem, David.

DAVID

I'm not just some little kid anymore. I'm out on my own now—

ALICE

You think half a year at Yale is enough to mean you're grown up?

DAVID

Alice, I came all this way—

ALICE

To see me?

DAVID

To be here for you! Doesn't that show you how serious I am?

FREDDY

Oh, my God. David, is that why you're here? Because you— stalked Alice here?

DAVID

Freddy— this is none of your business—

FREDDY

How could you do this to me?

ALICE

To you?

FREDDY

He's crashing at my place! He told me I was the only person he knew in Boston! Apparently I was just the only apartment.

ALICE

Oh, Jesus. David, nothing has changed since we last saw each other in Seattle. It's not going to happen. I told you that loud and clear. And if you think showing up here to directly disregard that, then you're just as much a child as you were when I first told it to you.

She steps around David and walks off. Freddy stares at David in outrage.

FREDDY

Well? What do you have to say for yourself?

DAVID

Nobody's ever going to Netflix and chill with you.

He storms out.


	6. The Truth

INT. FREDDY'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

TITLE CARD: THE TRUTH

Freddy waits up in the living room. Finally David enters, and groans upon seeing him there.

DAVID

Oh, Christ. Freddy, save it, I don't want to hear it.

FREDDY

So what were you planning on doing, standing outside her window with a boom box?

DAVID

God, are all your references over a hundred?

FREDDY

Oh, my references are old? David, you showed up out of the blue, to hook up with a woman who's too old for you, and practically a member of the family. That's been a bad idea since Oedipus! What were you thinking?

DAVID

I know, I know.

FREDDY

What you did here, it's basically stalking!

DAVID

I know, okay? I screwed up! But I didn't know what else to do. I love her.

FREDDY

Oh, please.

DAVID

You don't get it. Should have known you wouldn't get it.

FREDDY

A stupid teenaged whim? What's there to get?

DAVID

Do you really think I can't know what I want?

FREDDY

You're nineteen, how could you? When I was nineteen, I thought I wanted to move to the middle of Montana and devote myself to a concept album built around experimental dulcimer.

DAVID

Dulcimer? Really? Yeah, Montana isn't far enough.

FREDDY

Stop dodging, David! Even if you were in a love for the ages— which you aren't —Alice told you it wasn't going to happen, and you disrespected her. And you know what else? You used me.

DAVID

Oh, yeah. Let's talk about the real victim here.

FREDDY

I was actually feeling glad you came to me for help. That I could be there for you while you were in a tough spot. Like family. Guess I was just an idiot to think.

DAVID

Well, I'm so sorry I couldn't be what you needed.

FREDDY

What are you even doing with yourself, David? Blowing off Yale, running after Alice? Where do you think you're going to end up?

DAVID

Wow. You really do sound just like my dad.

FREDDY

How would you know? You haven't even told him yet. That's who keeps calling you, right? The ones you won't pick up?

DAVID

No, not like- I mean… you always sound like him. Because you are just like him. And your dad, and my sister… so you always fit in just fine. But I never did. And nobody ever let me forget it. Guess I shouldn't have expected any different from you.

FREDDY

Why wouldn't you expect that? After all, I'm just a guy with an apartment who happens to have the same last name.

DAVID

Well, don't worry. I'll be out as soon as I can clear out my stuff.

He storms out.

FREDDY

You better mean the goddamn bear!

END OF ACT TWO.


	7. The House

ACT THREE.

EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE HOUSE

Freddy waits at a table on the patio. When Alice arrives, he stands to greet her.

FREDDY

Hey, Alice. Thanks for meeting me.

ALICE

No problem. I was planning on giving you a ring when I got settled in, but so much for that.

FREDDY

Oh, God. I am so sorry. I swear I had no idea what he was doing.

ALICE

I wouldn't be here if I thought you had. Though from stories my mom tells me, it sounds like ill-advised escapades kind of run in the family.

FREDDY

How is Aunt Roz these days?

ALICE

Shacked up with an Argentinian ballroom dancer who's half her age. So, you know. Awesome.

FREDDY

Well. Mazel tov! Listen, Alice, I just wanted to tell you I'm mortified about what happened. Can I ask you something? What happened with you and him?

ALICE

That's it, Freddy— nothing happened.

FREDDY

I mean, of course, just— why'd he follow you?

ALICE

I guess we were pretty close. We basically grew up together. But he's six years younger, so he looked up to me. We would talk, you know. I think I was the closest thing he had to a family member who understood him. But I'm not family, really, and he started thinking that meant something more than it did.

FREDDY

Aw, geez. If I'd had any idea what he was here for, I would never have let him stay with me.

ALICE

I know you were just trying to help. It was good of you.

FREDDY

You know what, though? I thought I was doing him a favor, but… I started actually looking forward to being there for him. I guess I liked the idea that he needed me. So much for that, I guess.

ALICE

I don't know about that.

FREDDY

What do you mean?

ALICE

I know David. He's only stuck on me because doesn't really have anybody who gets him. He definitely needs somebody to be there.

FREDDY

Geez, Alice, that's really sweet of you, but you really shouldn't have to take that on.

ALICE

Yeah, that'll really help me assert my boundaries with the kid. Not me, genius. I mean you.

FREDDY

I don't know what David needs. I don't even know him.

ALICE

Then get to know him. He's spent his whole life feeling like a stranger in his own house.

FREDDY

I think he just sees me as another one of those strangers.

ALICE

Maybe so, Freddy. But if anybody can do something to change that… well, at least you know what that house is like.

As Freddy considers, his phone goes off. He gapes when he sees who is calling him and snatches it up to answer it.

FREDDY

Oh, my God, hi! Hi! I— uh, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to hear from you, but— oh, you are? Yeah, he's staying with me, but how did you— oh, okay. Okay. Uh— see you soon, then, I guess!

He slams off the phone and looks to Alice.

FREDDY

Uh— I'm sorry, I gotta run.

ALICE

What's up?

FREDDY

Daddy's home!


	8. The Uncle

INT. THE APARTMENT – DAY

TITLE CARD: THE UNCLE

David is packing, his stuff spread out across the room, when Freddy bursts in.

FREDDY

David! You gotta move!

DAVID

I'm going as fast as I can! Jesus, I'll be out of your place soon, okay?

FREDDY

No! It's not— ugh! We gotta clean this all up, fast!

He looks out over the mess and starts shoving David's stuff under the furniture.

DAVID

Hey! What the hell, Freddy!?

FREDDY

David, you don't understand— he's coming!

DAVID

Who's coming— oh, no. He's coming here? I have to get out!

Suddenly the bell rings, and he groans.

FREDDY

It's too late for that! We have to get this place together before he sees!

He grabs hold of Brody and starts dragging him away, but David seizes on to stop him. The bell rings again.

DAVID

Hey, let go of him!

FREDDY

No, he can't find this here!

They yell and struggle over the bear until Freddy tumbles back, bringing Brody down on top of him. As David tries to drag the bear off, the front door opens to reveal David's dad, NILES CRANE, twenty years older but still ramrod straight, still impeccably dressed, all the way from Seattle. The boys cut off their struggling and Niles surveys the scene.

NILES

Hm. I'd wondered why you were ducking my calls. But it looks like you had enough to deal with here.

FREDDY

Uncle Niles!

DAVID

Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?

NILES

Oh, you know. After dropping off a few thousand dollars' worth of apology in New Haven, I thought I'd swing by and see how you were enjoying the world's least exotic study abroad. A better question is, what are you doing here?

DAVID

I had some stuff to figure out.

NILES

And you couldn't do that at the greatest learning institution in the country?

FREDDY

I'm sorry, excuse me?

NILES

Oh, the truth hurts, Harvard man.

FREDDY

No— I'm under a bear here!

David pulls the bear off Freddy, who staggers to his feet.

NILES

David, I don't understand you. Every time we give you an opportunity, you throw it aside. Yale, math camp, that itinerant throat-singing instructor who only took eight students a year.

DAVID

Jesus.

NILES

Eight students, David! Who had to be under a certain age ceiling to catch the dream before it died! Why?

DAVID

Why bother explaining? You just said it. You never understand.

NILES

Well. Enough is enough. We have to get you back to New Haven to apologize to the dean before they cash the check.

FREDDY

Uncle Niles, wait! I don't think that's the right way to deal with this.

NILES

Let's be serious, Freddy, if it takes groveling to get back in, David had better start crawling.

FREDDY

No, I mean… maybe David shouldn't go back. I don't think he belongs there.

NILES

Excuse me? He's had some troubles, but he deserves the same chance as any other Crane man.

FREDDY

Not like that. It's just… he's not the same as we are. He's a different kind of person. And I don't think we've been accepting that. But he should get the chance to be himself, and I don't think he can do that at Yale.

NILES

Then what should he be doing?

FREDDY

Well… he's here. This is as good a place as any to figure it out. And I can be here to help him. He can stay with me, and I can keep an eye on him.

Niles wrestles with it.

FREDDY

Give him one year! Then if he hasn't found something to do with himself, well, it won't be because you didn't give him a chance.

NILES

Is that what you want, David?

DAVID

I… yeah. I don't want to go back. I'd rather stay here for a while. With Freddy.

NILES

You know, it's funny. Yale was where I ran away to when my father didn't understand me. But for you, that's why you need to run away from Yale. All right. I'll give you one year.

DAVID

Really?

NILES

What the hell. Maybe it'll save me paying for a new wing.

DAVID

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

NILES

Well. There's something I haven't heard from you in a while. I guess I've made the right choice. Come on, boys, I flew all the way across the country, I might as well see the city. Freddy, is there an intimate boite where we can get appetizers and bottle service that we can stand to drink?

They head towards the door.

FREDDY

It's overpriced and unbearably pretentious.

NILES

You know me so well.


	9. The Cousins Crane

INT. THE APARTMENT – NIGHT

TITLE CARD: THE COUSINS CRANE

David and Freddy are flopped on the couch in the living room.

FREDDY

Well, that could have been way worse. He could have hated the restaurant.

DAVID

Are you kidding? He only sent the wine back once, which for him is practically a rave.

Beat.

DAVID

I never thanked you. For what you did back there. Sticking up for me like that.

FREDDY

Yeah, well. It's what you came for, right? We're cousins. We ought to have each other's back.

Beat.

FREDDY

Do you remember the time when Grandpa hired that puppet show for your sister's birthday, and he walked out when your dad started lecturing him on the historical inaccuracies of his Punch and Judy?

DAVID

Oh, geez. I remember the puppeteer telling Dad who was going to get punched. Do you remember when your dad went overboard trying to make a turducken on Thanksgiving?

FREDDY

And we ended up with what looked like tentacles climbing out of a dead goat?

DAVID

I had nightmares about that thing for years!

They laugh together.

FREDDY

Yeah! Our family's weird.

DAVID

Yeah.

Beat.

DAVID

So you think this could work?

FREDDY

Oh, hell if know. But we survived a lifetime of the Cranes. If we can't stand each other for a year… well, I got your dad's number.

DAVID

Oh, yeah? Doesn't your mom live in town? Maybe I should look her up.

FREDDY

Aw, yeah. This is going to work great.

TAG:

As the credits roll, Freddy and David amuse themselves from the couch by trying to toss hats onto Brody's head. Finally, Freddy gets up and fetches the mortarboard from his Harvard graduation. Tossing it like a Frisbee, he expertly lands in between the bear's ears. David cheers and holds up his arms in the "it's good!" sign.

FADE OUT.


End file.
